


Beyond the Shattered Mirror

by isabelpenafiel03



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Bulimic Dean, Child Abuse, Cutting, Dean Has Panic Attacks, Dean Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Has an Eating Disorder, Dean has a mental illness, Dean has bulimia, Eating Disorders, F/F, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Incest, M/M, Multi, Parent/Child Incest, Prostitution, Purging, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, internalized ableism, self destructive behavior
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 16,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7849714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabelpenafiel03/pseuds/isabelpenafiel03
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean meets Cas</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean meets Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for ableist language, internalized ableism, delusions and self harm

Dean Winchester swaggers down the halls seeming to have endless confidence. Boys and girls alike stop to stare at the teen's striking features. His green eyes glisten as he laughs flirtily at a joke Lisa makes. He's the type you'd expect to see in a cheesy high school movie, with unrealistically optimistic views on life. 

\--------

**Dean's POV**

**"See their eyes on you? You like that you attention whore? Don't be too happy, they just like to watch the freak show."**

I begin pressing against the gauze on my wrist, lightly at first but with increasing pressure. The pain makes me wince but grounds me and drowns the voice out some but not completely. Sometimes it drowns out the voice completely, but not now. They're too shallow, it doesn't hurt nearly enough.

**"Did you really think it would be that easy anyway? Figures, you're dumb as shit. I should've known. By the way, how do you plan on hiding those fresh wounds? John knows you're a pussy but this will infuriate him. But who cares? You seem to like the pain anyways, you dumb slut."**

I grip my wrist so tightly I lose circulation, then I twist the skin on my wrist pulling open the scabs. Warmth covers my arm and crimson covers the gauze. Shit. I make an excuse to leave Lisa and rush to the bathroom hoping it isn't noticeable.

 **"Sorry to break it to ya' but that stain and the expression you're wearing are dead**   **giveaways. It's like you're wearing a neon sign that says, 'Lock me up and throw away the key, I'm batshit!' Plus, if John finds out you won't be able to hide those scars. Remember that time you cried on a hunt?"**

_"Why the fuck are you crying?! Don't you ever listen to me? Crying's for girls, you a girl now?" John screams close to Dean's face_

_"Daddy, I'm scared." A small voice that seems far away but not unfamiliar whispers._

_"Only fags call their fathers daddy! Where'd you learn that shit huh?! Some fucking fruit? John yells, looming over Dean_

_"N-no I p-promise! P-please believe me!"" Dean stuttered. John hit the boy's face with a hard slap across the cheek. His eyes burn as he holds back the hot tears gathered in his eyes._

I bump into something, snapping me out of my memory. I look up into blue. It's a boy, he has dark tousled hair, slight stubble, and bright blue eyes. 

"Oh, I apologize, I-I should've paid attention to where I was going. It's common sense really and-" The boy's rambling is cut off by a harsh voice hissing.

**"God, if only he fucking knew. If he saw the pathetic bitch you are, he wouldn't apologize. He'd spit on you and take a shower because he touched your miserable ass, I'm gagging just thinking about it."**

"Oh, um y-yeah. I-um I gotta go." I mumble hurriedly. The boy's eyes flit around, tracing my form as if trying to commit it all to memory. I rush off likely leaving the boy confused, but I can't bring myself to care as I slam shut the stall's door. 

I frantically pull at the gauze, further opening my wounds. I cry out in frustration as tears slide down my cheeks.

"Are you alright?" A gravelly voice I can't identify asks.

**"Look, now someone's worried about you. You shouldn't respond or they'll realize it's you and not someone worth caring about. Whatever you do, you better do it quick you're wasting so much time. They aren't in class because of you, it's okay you aren't in class since you never learn shit anyway. You'd be failing even if-"**

"Shut up!"

"Dean?" The same voice asks, pulling me out of my own head. It's the boy, it takes me a moment to realize. He must've followed me. "Are you okay in there? Who are you talking to?"

"I-uh I'm just talking to myself."

 "Are you okay?"

"Doesn't matter..." I sigh.

"It matters to me, and it should to you too." 

**"He's just saying that to be nice, he just wanted to use the bathroom and now he's stuck with some nutcase."**

"Well, it doesn't." I huff stubbornly, sliding back against the stall door. The bell rings, a shrill reminder of the class we're missing. "I'm pretty sure you're late to class...I've got this. You should go, you see smart and I don't want to mess up your grades."

"I want to help you, Dean. Plus it doesn't matter if I miss, it's the first day."

"O-okay. Only if you promise you're completely okay with this..." I mutter, opening the door slightly and holding out my bandaged arm. The boy nods and immediately begins undressing my wrist with nimble fingers. He gasps slightly when he sees the damage but quickly steels himself. 

I take a moment to look at him properly, only jolting out of my thoughts when he pulls my arm under running water. I hiss in pain and he winces as if he feels my pain.

"I'm sorry Dean, I should've warned you."

**"As if it wasn't on purpose, even nice people like him have limits. You're poison, you make people bad. You're the reason John drinks."**

"Dean? Are you okay?" 

"Uh, yeah, um...I never asked. Uh, what's you're name?" I say, shrinking in on myself. He turns a bit red and his face lights up as if realizing something.

"Oh! I'm Castiel."

"Nice to meet you Cas!" I say putting on my best smile. 

"It doesn't seem like you're having a great day, would you like to skip the rest of the day since we've already skipped a full block?" Cas asks, tilting his head.

"Um..." 

**"John will make you sorry. I will make you sorry, don't waste this boy's time. _He_ matters."**

 

"I don't know, it will probably make my father angry and I don't want to waste your time..." I whisper, the end of the sentence barely audible.

"You won't be wasting my time any more than I'll be wasting yours.

"Yeah, okay."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know how you feel about the chapter and improvements I should make, I would really appreciate it!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean struggles more with his mental illnesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is really angsty, as usual. I'm getting more into the eating disorder realm and there are more mentions of cutting. Enjoy :)

I open the door before the car even comes to a complete stop. I'm overheating and I don't have time to think about the consequences when I peel off my jacket trying to cool down. I wrap my arms around my midsection trying to breathe. I sink down the side of the Lincoln and keep trying to calm my breaths. I slowly get control of my breathing and calm down. 

**"If Cas didn't think you were crazy before now he definitely knows, you are."**

I wipe the tears from my face that I didn't know had been streaming and whisper a weak "Shut up." 

"Dean? Are you okay?" Cas asks, poor guy. I've already stressed him out and I've only been with him an hour or two. 

"I'm fine."

 **"You don't look fine princess. Better put your jacket on,  people who are fine don't do those things."** I snatch up my jacket and shrug it in on.

"Let's just pretend that never happened."

 "Dean-" 

"You don't have to pretend to care, I've wasted enough of your time already." 

"You aren't wasting my time. Let's go get lunch, I'm starving." 

**"Sure, he says that."**

"Cas, I can't really. I don't actually have any cash."

"It's fine, I'll pay."  

**"You going to make him pay for your lunch because you were a bitch and couldn't make it through a school day? I know today is one of your worse days, but come on! The poor kid shouldn't have to deal with you let alone buy you lunch! You're pathetic, worthless, not worth his time. You're a waste of space who would be better dead! The one thing you're actually decent at is hiding how broken you are, and you're doing a lousy job of that aren't you?"**

"I know I'm not the best company, you don't have to hang out with me Cas."

"Dean, you don't have any money for lunch and you can't go home or back to the school. I'm not going to let you just go without lunch."

"I'm fine, I ate a big breakfast." I say trying to wave it off as nothing but right on cue my stomach growls, loud.

"Dean, I'm not stupid. Get in the car." Cas says gesturing towards his car. I get in reluctantly and Cas begins driving towards the only close diner. 

The car comes to a stop and I find myself being ushered into the diner. Cas gets us a booth and orders because I am to occupied dealing with it to even think about food.

**"Letting Cas take care of you? I thought your father taught you better than that! Plus, you take up valuable space anyway. Maybe if you ate less you'd be able to actually make use of your fatass on hunts. If you just get used to the hunger you can just stop eating and feed Sammy. He's going places, the only place you're going is Hell."**

 "Hey Dean, I just got you a burger. That alright?" 

"Yeah, fine. Thanks Cas." I say hoping he'll respond. Instead he looks at the table and begins tracing shapes with his finger tips. I'm hot but I know if I take my jacket off not only will they see my scars but the fresher cuts as well. I start sweating but ignore the heat.

"Dean?"

"Yup?" 

"If you're hot you can take your coat off. I took mine off." Cas says pointing to my leather jacket. I wipe the sweat from my face in one swift motion.

"It's fine." I say fanning my shirt to try to cool down in the too hot restaurant. 

"Oookaay....." Cas says, eyeing me suspiciously. The food comes and I'm grateful for a distraction.

"Look. Food's here." I comment pointing to the two plates the waitress is carrying over. Gas shoots me a look almost to say he hasn't forgotten my strange behavior. I try to eat a controlled amount, at first just playing with my food. I can see Cas has noticed though so, I cautiously take a bite of my burger. One bite soon becomes the entire burger and that the entire plate. I feel disgusted, I couldn't even control myself for one meal. Cas is only half done with his burger and I've polished off the entire plate, including the pickle. Cas' calculating stare that picks apart everthing was once something I welcomed. Now it's all I can do to keep him from knowing everything that I am. 

Most people see what's on the surface, Cas sees my instability. It's just a matter of keeping him from knowing how unstable and messed up I really am. What's sad is that the only thing he did differently than everyone else is took a minute to see how I was. 

**"How cute, you made a friend. Too bad you're going to scare him away being the llittle fuck that you are. Your own father can't stand you, don't you think there's a reason?"**

 Cas looks up from his mostly finished burger, his eyes so blue they look as if someone gently placed two robin's eggs in his head. He stares unblinking, probably repulsed at the sight of me. My stomach feels as if it's going to burst. The skin around my waist stretches in protest as I crossed my arms around my midsection and slouch over. I need to hide the pale doughy flesh that resides there.

 "I'm going to go to the bathroom." I whisper excusing myself. I race to the bathroom not knowing what to do. I locked the door and sink onto the cool tiles. I'm too out of it to care that I'm probably sitting in piss. The voice is gone, but that's means I'm alone with my thoughts. 

I pull an old mint tin from inside of my jacket and roll up the sleeves. The tin opens with a "pop" to reveal three razors. Two are clean, one still coated in dried blood. Something stops me from pressing a clean one into my wrist and I tucked the tin back inside my jacket. I wipe tears from my eyes and lean over the toilet. Before I know what I'm doing my fingers are down my throat. I throw up the contents of my stomach and get an odd rush as well as a satisfying emptiness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas skip class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a terrible person, this is really angsty.

I follow Castiel to his car, an old Lincoln. Cas pulls an old tan trench coat from the passenger seat and shrugs it over his shoulders. Cas walks around the front of the car and sits in the driver's seat. I stand outside of the open car door trying my best not to fidget or scratch at my bloody wrist. 

**"Now's your chance to back out and keep this kid from having to deal with you. I mean, he found you in the bathroom yelling at the voice in your head. Do you think he really wants to hang out with you?"**

"Ya' know, Cas. You don't have to hang out with me if you don't want to. I'm fine with hanging out by myself and I'm not great company so-"  I begin rambling on. Cas cuts me off putting a hand up.

"Dean, I'm doing this because I want to. Please just get in the car." 

**"Now you're wasting his time, get in the car before he changes his mind and leaves your sorry ass. You're lucky he's being polite, you're lucky he's not like you. You don't have any redeeming qualities."**

"So, if I'm not intruding can I ask who you were yelling at?" Cas asks interrupting my self loathing. 

"I don't really want to...." I say trailing off.

"It's fine, I understand. It's personal, right?" Castiel asks in his deep voice. I nod vigorously. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and Cas turns up the radio.

**"Probably so he doesn't have to talk to a sorry bitch like you."**

A familiar song begins playing in the background, a song I used to love. 

"She's got a smile it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything

Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

And if I'd stare too long

I'd probably break down and cry

 

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine

 

She's got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I'd hide

And pray for the thunder

And the rain

To quietly pass me by

 

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine

 

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine"

_The same song plays in the background quietly but is overlapped by the shattering of a lamp as John Winchester stumbles home drunk._

_"G-go upstairs Sammy. Hide in t-the bedroom and don't even think of coming out until I come get you." Says a trembling voice._

_"Okay Dean." Sammy responds with tears in his eyes. He runs up stairs as John swears in the other room having hit the corner of a table. John manages to find his way to Dean after Sam has made it upstairs._

_"Pretty boy, that's all you are. Head's empty and you can't even hunt properly. Not like Sammy, Sammy's smart. He's going places." John slurs then takes another gulp of the whiskey in his hand. "A pretty boy and a fuckin' fag. Did you even wash the dishes like I asked?"_

_"But-" Slap. John nails him, right across the face._

_"Did you or did you not faggot?"_

_"N-no sir."_

_"That fucking stutter again! I know what'll fix it though." John roars as he unbuckles his belt. "Take off your shirt pretty boy."_

_He takes off his shirt and lays across the arm of the couch. John wips him with the belt and forces him to count. After every crack the boy stutters another number._

_"I'll stop when you don't stutter." John sneers. There's a loud crack._

_"T-twenty one." **Crack.**_

_"T-twenty t-two." Dean waits for the blow but it never comes._

_"We'll finish this later, it's getting late."_

"Dean? You okay? You zoned out for a bit." Cas asks concerned. I go to answer but my throat is dry. My chest feels like it's going to collapse on it's self and my entire world is spinning. 

"C-can you pull over?" I finally manage to croak out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas gets suspicious of Dean's long sleeves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't really believe how long this day is taking to write! Sorry it's dragging on but I hope it's still entertaining for anyone reading.

I stand up and stare into the mirror. My face is gaunt, pale, and covered in freckles. I run my fingertips over the cool skin of my face. My eyes,  once bright are a dull, muted green. My jaw and cheek bones are more prominent than a few months before and my jacket is loose in the shoulders. I wear several layers to hide the weight loss and feel pathetic.

**"You barely need me anymore. You're finally learning your worth or rather, lack of it."**

I grind my teeth and drop my head towards the floor. If I yell, everyone will hear me.

**"Speaking of keeping up appearances, you better get out there. Cas probably thinks your dead. You practically are anyway, look at you. You look like a corpse."**

I ignore the voice and head back to the table. Cas gives me a worried look and begins to get up from the table. 

"You okay Dean? You don't look well."

"I'm as good as I can be.You know, high school stress and all that." I say calmly wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "Today was just stressful. My dad's been working his ass off and money's tight. A bit of sleep and I'll be fine."

**"You know full well you won't be sleeping tonight. No, you'll be on the front porch waiting for your drunk dad to stumble home so you can take a beating rather than Sammy. Even if you weren't, do you think the nightmares would let you sleep? No, you'd be thrashing in bed keeping Sammy up. Then you'd have to go sleep in the bathtub again. Why not just skip to the end and not sleep at all?"**

"Yeah, okay." Cas says nodding. We walk to his car silently. I go to put on music to keep us from talking but he places a hand on mine. 

"It's rather hot, wouldn't you like to take your coat off? You seem to be sweating."

"Errrrm...."

"Dean, are you hiding something?" 

"Maybe I am. So what?"

"It just seems like it could be something dangerous and I would rather you not be hurt."

"Thanks for the concern but I'm fine."

"Sure you're fine, but are you okay?"

"What's the difference?" 

"Dean, please don't insult my intelligence."

"Yeah, I'm okay." I snap. 

"Then take off your coat." He says gesturing to my jacket. 

"I can't do that." 

"Why not?"

"I made a mistake."

"What do you mean?"

"I got an embarrassing tattoo, okay? End of story." I'm proud of myself for this lie and it makes me sick to my stomach. I turned up the radio to drown out the oncoming voice. What happens is rather unexpected, a new voice emerges. 

"All of these lies will catch up to you. Damn shame. Cas seemed nice, too nice for you of course. He's smart and sane, he's worth something. You however, you are nothing. You're the reason your dad drinks and beats you. Everything is your fault, Sammy could've had a normal childhood and you fucked it up."  Snaps the new, female voice.

**"Dean Winchester, John Winchester's biggest fuck up. There's a reason he doesn't do those things to Sammy, and it's not because you have him hide in a closet. It's because you deserve it. Every kick in the shin, every slap in your face, every lash of the belt, you deserve it all. It's because you're the bastard that burned Mary Winchester. She was a fucking angel, and you burned her. All because you couldn't use a damn stove. Mary would've lived if you hadn't been such a terrible fuck up. Sammy wouldn't be called a freak. You worthless pieces of shit, you'll get what you deserve. Sam doesn't deserve any of it, and neither does Cas. It's all your fault."**

 I look up and see Cas stealing glances in my direction. I look at the time, it's one thirty. Now I understand why Cas is worried. Somehow the short conversation between the voices in my head was stretched to a half hour at least. I probably zoned out somewhere within the conversation but it was still a long time.

"Where would you like to go now Dean?"

"All I know, is we can't go to my house." I say thinking of my angry, hungover, dad sprawled out on the couch.

"Yeah, you don't need any help scaring Castiel away."

**"Its a wonder he'sout up with you this long!"**

"You don't deserve his patience. You deserve so much worse."

"What about my place?" Cas says tilting his head slightly in confusion. He's most likely imagining what an idiot like me could possibly be thinking. He looks oddly bird like and I should be out off by it but instead it causes my heart to speed up and my palms to sweat. 

"Yeah, sure." I say wiping my palms on my jeans.  I bounce my knee in anticipation as Cas drives down the street. I hope we don't see his parents, they'd probably not like that I'm skipping with their son. I really like Cas and want to keep hanging out, angry parents wouldn't help with that.

"We're here." Cas announces as we pull up to a large brick house. You could probably fit two of mine in his house.

"Your parents aren't home, are they?" I ask nervously. 

"They work late, we'll be fine." Cas says taking his keys out of the ignition. Cas walks up to the front of the house and unlocks the door. He swings it open then gestures for me to go through. 

I walk into a large living room painted a dark green. There is a black leather couch and a white chair that is positioned towards the large, flat screen television. Cas hangs his coat on the rack and reaches for my jacket. 

"Cas I-"

"Dean, please. I want you to be comfortable." Cas interrupts me.

"I will be, please let me keep it on." I plead.

"Dean, no tattoo can be that embarrassing."

"You'd be surprised, it's pretty embarrassing."

"Can you even get a tattoo at sixteen?"

"Yeah....?" 

"Okay, I'll leave it for now. But, don't for one second think you're getting away with it. I can tell you're lying." 


	5. Chapter 5

"This is my room. I know it's not much but it's mine." Castiel says grinning as he lets me into his room. The walls are grey and he has teal curtains. He has a king sized bed, much nicer than the queen Sammy and I are forced to split, in the corner of the room. In the opposite corner he has a sizable desk. It's much nicer than anywhere Sammy and I have stayed. It's certainly nicer than the house dad bought a couple of months ago because he thought the moving might affect Sammy's education.

**"Your dad knows there's not hope for your but Sammy is going places. The only place you're going is a mental hospital. Once they find out about the voices, you'll be stuck there for a long time."**

"You are the voices!" I snap under my breath. 

"What's that?" Cas asks tilting his head slightly.

"I think you made great choices. I mean like, you know ummm...... paint wise." I sputter. 

"Do you always act this strange?" 

 **"Yep!"**   ~~~~The voices chime in.

"You'd have to ask my brother."

"You have a brother?"

"Yeah, Sammy. You?" 

"Four, I'm the youngest. There's Lucifer, Michel, Balthazar, and Gabriel."

"So, big family?"

"Yeah, Michel and Lucifer already graduated though. Gabe's eighteen and I only have two more years of high school, not including this one. Most of the chaos is over, luckily. What about you? What's your family like?"

"Umm.... you know, average family. Nothing special." I say, hoping he'll believe me.

"Okay...." 

"What?" 

"It's just that you're kinda vague."

"I just don't want to bore you with the details." 

_"You little liar, you're not doing this for his sake. Everything you do is for yourself, do you ever think of anyone else? Like how is Sammy going to get home? He can't take the bus, your dad was too paranoid to let you fill out a bus form."_

"Hey Cas?" 

"Yes Dean?" 

"I have to go get my brother, you mind taking me to the school?" 

**"All you are is a burden, you're even making him take you back. You've got legs! Walk!"**

"Not at all." Cas responds.

"Actually, I think I'll walk. My car's at the school, I need the exercise anyway." I say nervously. Cas begins to respond but I walk away before he can stop me. I turn and wave hoping we'll see each other again.

\--------

"Sammy!" I tell at the twelve year old running towards me. 

"Deeeaan. I told you not to call me that!" Sammy whines. 

"Whatever, get in baby and let's get going." I say opening the passenger door. 

"Can I pick the music for once?" 

"No, but you can shut your cakehole and be glad I even let you sit in the front seat." 

"Hmph." Sammy grunts crossing his arms fiercely. 

_"Your lucky Dad even let's you drive the brat around. The only reason he lets you is because he's too busy pickling his liver to care. You could kill Sammy, especially the way you drive. Just like you killed Mary."_

I grip the steering wheel tighter and turn up the music to drown out the voices.

"DEAN?!" Sammy shouts over the music. I realize how loud it is and turn it down. 

"Sorry Sammy, kinda spaced for a bit."

**"You spaced out? Now you'll really kill the kid!"**

"You okay Dean?" 

"I'm fine , why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. Today, you just seem different."

"Don't worry about me Sammy. I'm great!" I shout almost sarcastically. 

 "Just focus on the road." Sammy says scowling.

"Whatever bitch."

"Jerk." Sammy says pouting.

We ride the rest of the way to our beat up, unpaved driveway in silence. I hope dad has left already. I walk in the house to find dad has wandered over to the nearest bar. I usher Sammy into the house. He goes upstairs to do his homework and I go to the kitchen.

Deciding what to cook will be hard with the little food we have. Ill have to make do.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, homophobic language and child abuse. The day is finally over though.

I go to the barren cupboards hoping there will be something to work with. There's stale crackers, a can of beans and, some soup. I decide I'll make Sammy soup. If I get myself a bowl them claim to be full later I can give him soup for dinner tomorrow as well. Then I'll have to continue my search for a job. 

I heat the soup and call Sammy down for lunch. He eyes me carefully as I pour myself a smaller portion. He knows I eat less than I should so that I can feed him, it's been like this for years. Sammy soon forgets and begins eating though. He's shot up like a weed and I'm afraid soon we'll be the same height.

"How was school Sammy?" 

"Good." He replied between bites.

"Meet any pretty girls?" I ask and he blushes. I chuckle, he should know I can read him like a book. "What's her name?"

"Jessica." He admits.

"She sounds nice, you guys friends?"

"Yeah." Sammy sighs. 

"You want to be more, don't you?"

"I'm going to ask her out tomorrow." 

"That's great Sammy."

"What about you Dean? How are things with Lisa?" 

"Uh, they're good. She wants me to go to homecoming with her."

"Are you going?" Sammy asks eagerly.

"Maybe...." 

"You shou-" Sammy says cut off by the slamming of the door. 

"Go upstairs." I say and watch Sammy hesitate. "Now." I say, this time firmer. He runs up the stairs quickly. I hear the stomp of boots coming closer and I freeze. Maybe I'll be lucky and he'll pass out on the couch.

**"I'm sure that'll happen with your luck. You fucking deserve it anyway. Stop cowering and take it."**

"Dean?"

"Yes sir?" 

"You feed Sammy?"

"Yes sir."

"And you make sure he did his homework?" 

"Yes sir." 

"Good, now what'd you do wrong this time?"

"W-what?"

"You fucking heard me! What'd you do wrong fag!?"

"N-nothing sir."

"You fucking liar. Didn't think I'd hear about you skipping with that little bitch. Didn't think I'd find out you're a fucking fag either. Thought I beat it out of you. Guess I'm going to have to try again. Take your shirt off, pretty boy." John hisses unbuckling his belt. I slowly take off my shirt. 

He hits my back lightly and I wince, my back still sore from last week. Luckily he switches it up sometimes.

"That too much for you? Figures, all you are is a pretty boy." I smush my face into the throw pillow to stifle a sob. "A good for nothing pretty boy. The only way we could get any use of you would be letting random men fuck you senseless."

"D-dad, please." I sob.

"Dont say a word, you fucking maggot. I'll stop when I'm done. Maybe I'll actually try to make use of you. You'd probably like a dick up your ass anyway." 

Dad whips me for another five minutes and decides he's done. I wait for him to leave before limping upstairs. 

I slip into the bathroom and grab the first aid kit. I pour alcohol onto some cloth and begin cleaning the wounds on my back. It stings more than the actual beating and my vision goes black at the edges. Once I get past this painful stage I wrap it in gauze and put my shirt back on. Looks like I'll be sleeping on my stomach tonight.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas' POV, finding out about the abuse Dean goes through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not the best chapter but, I think it illustrates everything okay.

Cas' POV

Gabe wakes me up by throwing ice water on me.

"Assbutt!" I yell because I'm tired and it's the first thing that comes to mind.

"Assbutt?" Gabe comments giggling. I hide under the damp covers.

"Shut up."

"All I know is mom told me to get you up because you're going to be late." Gabriel says shrugging. I pull the covers off and grab my clothes. Gabe leaves the room, for once in his life taking a hint. I dress quickly and hopelessly muse with my hair. It stays a mess so I abandon it and rush to Gabe's car skipping breakfast.

Gabe takes his sweet time parking because he's a senior and no longer gives a crap. When he finally parks I run to homeroom and take my usual spot in the back, it's going to be a long day.

\--------

All of my classes drag on until lunch. I go to sit in my usual spot but Dean motions for me to sit next to him and Lisa. My cheeks burn red but I sit next to him anyway. 

"Who's this?" Lisa spits.

"This is my friend Castiel." Dean says reassuringly. He smiles his way too big to be real smile and goes back to eating. He smiles like that whenever he should be happy bit, it seems too big to be genuine. Like he's trying to convince everyone, mostly himself, that he's happy.

Lisa proudly wraps an arm around Dean's shoulders. Dean winces very visibly. 

"You okay Dean?"

"I'm great!" Dean says with a half smirk.

"Is something wrong with your back?"

"Uh, I fell down the stairs. I'm pretty bruised."

"Oh, I'm sorry." 

"Nah, it's fine. I'm gonna use the bathroom." 

"Yeah me too..." I say hesitantly, suspicious of Dean's story

We walk to the bathroom silently and Dean is itching at his wrists. Dean seems very jumpy, more so than usual. 

"Dean, I'm not stupid." 

"Never said you were."

"Dean, I know you think I've known for only a little while and that you're fooling me. I know when something is off, and something is definitely off."

"Maybe you should mind your own business."

"Dean. Please." I beg taking hold of his wrists. He pulls them back and crosses them against his chest. Then I notice the blood on my fingers. 

"It's not what you think." He says fear in his eyes.

"Let's go to the bathroom, I'll fix up your wrists."  I say leading Dean towards the bathroom. Dean nods and follows looking at the ground. He seems to be muttering something, he seems rather unhappy about it too. 

"Dean, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"That's not what I asked. I asked if you were okay, are you okay?"

"No." He mutters. I pull him into the bathroom and peel the coat off of him. Underneath he is wearing a long sleevedshirt.

"Can you take your shirt off?" I ask. Dean gives me a distant look but then complies. 

He is muscular but very lean. You can see all of his ribs and he has deep scars and much more recent cuts that bend around from his back that creep onto his chest. His arms are toned but bony, and littered in scars. I fear they are self inflicted.

"These are a lot deeper than I thought, I'm going to the nurse's but I'll be right back with a first aid kit. Stay here."

"C-cas? Don't b-bring the nurse." Dean says shivering.

"I won't." I promise against my better judgement. The cuts look deep and I haven't even seen his back.

 The nurse is very suspicious of what I need a first aid kit for. I tell her my friend cut himself and has a phobia of doctors. It's not completely a lie and she goes with it. 

When I get back to the bathroom Dean is hunched inwards and shivering. He heard my footsteps and shoots up, straight as a ramrod, arms at his side. He winces, the movement painful. 

I pull out aneseptic and he turns around knowingly. The damage is worse than I ever would've imagined. The skin on his back is shredded, it looks like he must've been beaten a lot of times. The area around the shredded skin is red and inflamed. The injury wasn't something that took five minutes to aquire, no this took hours.

"You know, you don't have to do this." Dean whispers.

"Dean if I don't it'll get infected and it doesn't seem like you'd want to go to a doctor's office."

"No, not just this. All of it, you don't have to be nice to me when we're alone. You can treat me like the I deserve."

"Dean. You don't deserve anything but the best. I am here because I like you." I say my cheeks on fire. 

"You're a crappy liar." 

"It's because I'm not lying."  

"Whatever."

"Dean, what happened?" 

"It's not important, I deserved it anyway."  

"No one deserves this Dean." I say and he looks at the floor.

"You'd be suprised." Dean mutters.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas isn't stupid and he begins to piece things together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a cliffhanger.

 

 

 Dean's POV

I walk back to the lunch room trying not to begin shouting in the middle of the hallway. The voices want me to know how much more I deserve, how Cas' kindness is just a rouse.

**"He saw it, all of it. He saw how fat and ugly and pale you are. He saw how you leaned into his touch. He knows everything. You're lucky Lisa puts up with your shit, otherwise everyone would know you're a queer. A fat, ugly, one at that."**

"You don't even know if Cas is into that and you're crushing on him. Like a fucking teenage girl! Even if Cas was gay he could do so much better than a fat fag with voices in his head." 

"Shut up." I mutter.

"Dean, I know you just showed me a lot about yourself but can I ask one more thing?" Cas pleads.

"Okay."

"What do you keep muttering about?" 

"Cas, if it's true you really are my friend because you like me then I want to keep you around a little longer. I don't want to scare you off with the voices." Shit. I didn't. "I mean, with my voice." Smooth, Dean. 

"Dean what voices?" 

"Can we talk about this later?" 

"Fine, have dinner at my house tonight."

"No, can't. My dad'll be pissed if I don't look after Sammy."

"He can come too. Even if he just wants to do his homework and watch tv." Cas offers. If I agree, it'll be one less meal to worry about.

"Fine, yeah I'll ask my dad." If he's sober enough.

"Thanks, Dean. I really do care, I hope you know that."

I go to my last class and completely zone out, it's not like I'm going to pass anyway. All I can think about is having a hot meal set in front of me and having to try not to embarrass myself. 

\--------

I pick up Sam and we go home. The entire ride he chatters about school but the damn voices are too loud. Much too loud. 

**"You ready to meet your boyfriend's parents,  you fucking fag? Let me guess... NO. They'll hate you. Your own father hates you, what makes you think other people's parents will even be able to stand you?"**

"DEAN!" I swerve. 

"WHAT THE FUCK SAMMY? You know you can't tell like that! You'll get us killed!"

"Well, maybe if you had paid attention to the road I wouldn't need to yell."

"Okay smartass, you drive."

"Maybe I will."

"Yeah, because you can reach the petals." 

"Well at least I actually try in school!" Sammy yells.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" I say my voice cracking. 

"I hear dad yelling at you! You do bad things. Dad's not a bad man he wouldn't punish you for not reason. That means you do bad things."  Sammy says smugly. 

"Shuddup." I say sternly and focus back on the road as I pull back on to it. 

We get home and Dad is nowhere to be seen, there's a crumpled napkin on the counter and a couple bills. He's hunting. And he left us a hundred and fifty bucks. Looks like we won't have power for the next month. I really need a job now. I turn to Sammy.

"Sammy, Dad's on a hunting trip. He didn't leave much money and I'm going to have to find a job."

"Okay."

"Sammy, we're going to a friend's house for dinner."

"Is it Crowley?" Sam asks, his face a mask of confusion. 

"Uh... no. It's Castiel."

"Like the angel?"

"What?"

"Castiel, the angel of Thursday."

"I guess so. But he's my friend, so be nice."

"When am I ever not nice?" Sammy says giving me puppy dog eyes like a manipulative little shit. 

"Whatever bitch, just do your homework."

"Okay jerk." 

_"Isn't that just precious. You made up! Too bad you almost killed him. At least he knows you're dragging him down. Poor Cas has not idea how stupid you really can be. Cas wants to see the best in you. He saw your scars and still wants to be your friend, that's because he doesn't know about me yet. You think two voices aren't enough to scare him away? Don't worry there's more, they're just a little less sociable."_

I jog up to my room ignoring her, it.

_"I have a name you know."_

"I don't care."

_"You will later. Soon I'll be your only friend."_

I open my closet and pick out  my best outfit. It takes nearly thirty minutes but I end up with a black tee shirt with a green button up over top and my only pair of unripped jeans. I'm not proud of it but I picked out the shirt because it brought out the green in my eyes. Now to get there.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas finally figures everything out, for real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter and extra sad.

Cas' POV

Dean is late. Maybe he decided not to come, maybe his dad said no. He could've thought he was being an inconvenience. Hopefully he'll come, it seems like he's got a lot to sort out. Like, what'd he mean by, "the voices will scare you off."? Who caused the cuts on his back, and why? Maybe I'll get some answers tonight?

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock at the door. I jump up from the chair I'm sitting at and run to the door. Dean is standing front and center when I open the door. He has a straight but relaxed posture and a huge grin. His smile showcases his straight, white  teeth, canines long and sharp looking.  His lips are plush and very dark for a guy's. Dean's face is dusted in light freckles that soften his sharper features. 

Dean's green eyes are much brighter than usual. The shirt he's wearing has something to do with it but mostly it's the fact that for once, he's genuinely happy. there always seemed to be something missing. He always seemed a little hollow, now he looks more alive. His eyes aren't as flat and bored looking as they are most of the time. 

"You going to stare into each other's eyes all night?" Sam snorts.

"Shut up." Dean says elbowing his brother.

"Yeah Cassie, invite our guests inside. They're probably freezing." Gabe sneers popping a sucker in his mouth.

"Whatever, guys ignore my brother. Come on in." I groan rolling my eyes.

"Is this Gabriel?" Dean asks shyly pointing to Gabe. 

"Yeah, this is him." I sigh.

"Awww.... you told your boyfriend about me? You really do care!"  Gabe shouts in a high voice as he pretends to swoon.

"We're just friends." I say. In the corner of my eye I see the smile in Dean's eyes waver. The one on his face is still plastered on, just as big.

"Yep, just friends." Dean agrees nodding as he shoves his hands in his pockets, his head drooping a bit. His grin fades to a good natured smirk. Dean and Sam Stephen into the doorway both curiously surveying the house.

"You want to come up to my room?" I ask Dean.

"Yeah, could we?" He responds, smile returning a little.

 "Remember to keep the door open, you crazy kids!" Gabriel shouts in a falsetto tone as he wraps an arm around Sam. "I'll keep Sammy here company!" Sam smirks, his face red from trying not to laugh. 

Dean and I jog up the stairs as I roll my eyes.

 "He's a handful, huh?" Dean chuckles. 

"Definitely." I say with a smile. We get to my room and I make a point to close the door. 

"Soo...."

"The voices."

"Cas, I don't want to get into it. Yeah, there are voices. I'm dealing with it." 

"How many voices?"

"Two." 

"How are you dealing with it?"

"Well you know...."

"No, I don't because you won't teIl me."

"It's fine, they keep me in check." 

"Dean, what kind of things do they say?" I ask.

"They just make sure I know my worth."

"You don't need the voices, you need to talk to someone."

"I'm talking to you right now."

"Maybe, a professional."

"Like a shrink?" 

"Yeah." 

"Do you have any idea how my dad would react to that?" 

"No Dean, you don't talk about your father very much."

"All you need to know is that he doesn't put up with my bullshit. He knows Sammy's gong places and I'm not. He knows I do bad things and Sammy doesn't. End of story."

"Dean, if you need a place to stay there's always here. You aren't an inconvenience."

"Cas I-" Dean starts but is cut off by my mom calling us down for dinner.

"Just think about it." I say going down the stairs. Dean follows me down, my mom has made spaghetti. My dad sits at the head of the table, my mom across from him, Gabriel and Sam on the left. Dean and I sit next to each other. I begin eating, hoping I can encourage Dean to do the same. Dean mostly picks at his but Sam cleans the plate. Dean has only finished half of his plate by the time Sam is starting a second.

Dean sets his fork down and stares at his plate. He looks to me with wide eyes.

"You okay Dean?" I whisper. His face goes pale, highlighting his freckles. Dean nods and looks to my mother. 

"Mrs.Novak, do you mind if I use your bathroom?" 

"Not at all, it's right across from Cas' room." My mom offers, pointing towards the stairs.

 Dean stands shakily and walks slowly to the stairs. My dad waits until Dean is out of earshot and turns to me. 

"Does Dean have anxiety?" My dad asks (being a therapist) rather bluntly. 

"I don't know." I say shaking my head.

"Maybe you should check on him." My dad suggests.

"Dean likes to be alone when he does this." Sam chimes in.

"Sam, when does this usually happen?"

"He does it a lot when Dad is away. Add always leaves money though. And Dean always makes sure I do my homework and eat." Sam goes on. I remember when I saw Dean's torso, muscular but lean. I could close my eyes and count them just by touch. Then it all made sense. Why Dean was so nervous around food, he didn't eat so that he could feed Sammy. 

"I'm going to go see how Dean's doing." I say, halfway up the stairs. I run to the bathroom and knock. There is no reply.

"Dean? I'm coming in." I shout as I slowly open the door. Dean I curled up in the bathtub, quietly sobbing. I lift him, he can't be too much more than a hundred pounds. Dean clings to me as if I am the only thing keeping him grounded. 

I set Dean on the bed and he curls back up almost instantaneously. 

"Dean?"

"Ya' know, I j-just *hick* I just wanted *hick* to b-be normal for one *hick* night."

"You're fine the way you are."

"People who are *hick* fine don't hear voices in their head. P-people who are fine don't slice their wrists when the voices aren't there just to *hick* help with the deafening silence. I just wanted a b-break from that. You make me feel so normal, so good. I just want to be that. I want to be someone you deserve." 

"Dean,stay here."

"B-but, my dad-"

"I don't care what that bastard thinks, you and Sammy will stay here." I nearly growl, suddenly fiercely protective. I hug Dean tightly and grip the back of his jacket tightly. Dean melts into my embrace and nuzzles his head into my chest.

"We'll get your things tomorrow."


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up in Cas' arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little shorter but I've been a little less motivated. I'll write more soon though.

I wake up with Dean wrapped around my midsection, face in my stomach. 

"Dean, let's get up."

"Cas..." He groans.

"We've got to get your things."

"This is the best sleep I've gotten in weeks." Dean moans. 

"And you'll sleep again tonight, I promise." I reassure him. "But we have to get going. We may not be going to school but we still have things to do."

Dean's POV

"What do you mean?" I ask.

**"You aren't going to get away, all this will do is make Daddy angry. And when he's angry like he will be, he doesn't just beat you. No, he's going to get revenge and make some cash. He always said it was the only thing you're worth, a quick fuck in a back alley. He'll sell you like he does, then you'll be locked in the cupboard still covered in cum. It's not like you won't like it, you fag."**

"Dean, yesterday you had a panic attack in my bathtub and now you're moving in. Don't you think we should take the day to get you sorted?" 

"Yeah, you little whore. Why don't you get your shit together?" 

"Cas, my dad's going to be pissed."

"We'll deal with that later, right now you just need to get some help."

"You were serious about that?"

"Come on, you don't need anyone to tell you what's wrong with you! That's what I'm here for!"  

"I feel like you would really benefit from seeing a psychiatrist."

**"You don't want to, you only need me. Don't do this, don't make him think you'll get better. Because you never will. Just say no."**

"Just think about it, I'm going to take a shower." Cas announces as he stands to gather his clothing. I decide I'll shower tonight and begin undressing. I take my shirt off and I can feel Cas' eyes on my torso. 

I unbutton my pants slowly and am sure to pull them down even slower. I bend down in one long fluid motion.  

_"Dean, don't be stubborn. You've done this before, Harold may be creepy but he pays well. Now get out of the car, I don't want to be seen here."_

_"Neither do I!"_

_"Watch it. You're going on and you're going to give John what he wants. I've told you, this is all you're good for."_

_I walk into the club, it's dark and foggy with a purplish glow. Ove been stripped of my usual layers that make me look bigger, now I'm only wearing a tight grey tee shirt. I feel painfully vulnerable, which of course is just what Harold wants._

_I feel a large hand in my shoulder._

_"Hey there Dean. What do you say we head back to my place?"_

_"Okay." I say with false confidence."_

"Dean?" Cas' voice rings in my head. 

"Sorry, I was thinking." 

"Okay, I'm going to take that shower now."

I plop on the bed and run my temples, being away from my dad isn't making anything better. Maybe I'm the problem?

 


	11. Chapter 11

Cas walks into the room, dark hair wet from his shower 

"He'll never feel the same way, no matter how much you wish he would."

"Dean, you ready?"

"Born ready." I smirk.

"Should we bring Sammy?"

"No, let's not drag him into my shit. He's had to deal with me all his life, let's give him a break."

"Dean, you need to-" Castiel huffs.

"I know, we'll talk about it later. Let's just go back to my house to grab the necessities." 

\--------

We walk into the living room. Cas scrunches his face at the strong smell of cigarettes and booze I'd become accustomed to. He shifts uncomfortably.

"I know, it smells. Sammy and I tried to get rid of it but it lingers. And, don't take your shoes off. There could be glass on the floor."

"Okay, should we go get your stuff?"

"Yeah, follow me." I say. I begin up the steps with growing unease. I feel my insides collapsingon themselves. Then, like my head has been just above the water, I can feel the water slipping between my lips. My breaths are shorter and I begin to overheat. The white hot sensation travels up and down my body in waves. 

"You okay?"

"Just- no. It, it-stop. No." I mumble trying to form a coherent sentence.

"Dean, sit." Cas says calmly. I comply and rock softly. I want to explain but my thoughts won't cooperate. My mind is moving a million miles an hour but I'm frozen, stuck.

"D-dad's gonna be pissed. I'm gonna have to see Ha-Harold- cupboard and thin clothes. I'm gonna be s-so c-c-c-cold." I chatter though I'm still on fire.

"Are you cold?" 

"NO. Not yet." 

"Take your coat off." 

_"I'll hang my coat."_

_"It's leather so it's a jacket you little bastard." Dad snarls slapping me against the side of the head. It's the first time he hits me but not the last._

"S-s-sorry Dad. I'm a disappointment and a failure. You could've been happy...."

\--------

Cas' Pov

I lay Dean on his bed and pack his things as quickly as I can. Once I've done a satisfactory job I help him to the car. Dean stops panicking in the car but quickly falls asleep. 

I let him sleep while I call my Dad.

"Hey Cassie, what's up?"

"I want to look into a therapist for Dean, he just had a pretty bad panic attack."

"I'll help you out tonight, did you get him to agree to it?"

"Pretty much. I'm sure he'll go."

"Okay, see you after work. Make sure to keep Dean as comfortable as possible."

"Bye dad."

I hang up.

Dean's eyes flutter open. I stare into the green only to pry away my eyes. I try to hide my deep infatuation but Dean is beautiful. I can't help but to fall in love. I should though, he's been known as a "ladies man" and I don't think I really qualify. 

"What happened?" Dean yawns.

"You had a panic attack."

"God, I can't even walk through my house. What an idiot." 

"That doesn't have to be your house anymore. You don't have to go through there everyday. Having been abused isn't a weakness, it's just an experience. It doesn't define you."

 "It's just hard sometimes."

"That's why I think you should see a therapist."

"Fine." Dean huffs slouching in the seat, defeated. 

I smile and text my dad that I got him to agree.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa gets serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided for the purposes of this story to listen to "Take Me to Church" on a loop while i wrote this at one am. So it turned out the way it did.

The alarm goes off. I'm curled into Cas' chest listening to his heart beat. Cas' parents probably intended for me to sleep on the cot next to his bed. I would be fine with that if it weren't for the fact that I haven't had a single nightmare while in his bed. I don't really want to mess that up.

Cas slides off the bed and pulls a pair of black dress pants over his boxers. As he moves I watch the muscles in his back. Cas shrugs on a white button up so I look away and pull on a pair of old jeans. Cas muses with his dark hair but gives up leaving it messy. 

I put on a black shirt and crimson button up over top. Then I put on my boots and tie them as Cas puts on his blue tie and old beige trench coat. I raise an eyebrow at his very formal attire and Cas glares. 

"Not too much of a morning person?"

**"You** **wouldn't be too fond of mornings either if you woke up to being groped by some sick fag like yourself."**

"You could say that." Cas replies gruffly.

We rush downstairs skipping breakfast and hopping in Gabriel's car. Gabriel seems to either go as slow as he possibly can or break every traffic laws in existence whenever he drives. Today he ran two stoplights and was five miles over the speed limit at all times. Finally when he comes to a stop, surprisingly we are all in one piece. 

Cas waves as we part ways. I trudge into the school probably looking looking like hell. My eyes burn with potential tears and I clench my jaw. I grit my teeth trying desperately not to roll over and expose my throat like the coward I am. I blink away the hot tears slowly forming in my eyes. I shove my hands in my pockets, jaw still clenched and slouch begging for my pathetic facade to work. I can't let them know, I  _won't_ let them know.

Lisa walks up to me with a smirk. She grabs my collar and I protest weakly. She mashes her lips against mine and pulls me into the supply closet. I pull back as she locks the door.

"Lisa I-"

"You're my boyfriend now."

"What?"

"Let me tell you why." Lisa growls pointing a finger in my face. "You're going to be mine because I know."

"Kn-know what?" 

"Everything. I know that all you really want is a fat cock in your mouth and one in particular. Don't think I didn't notice how you look at him."

"Lisa-"

"So, homecoming? I'll just call you later."

 Lisa blows a kiss and shuts the door after herself. I stand silently unable to even understand what just happened. All I can think about is the smell if the chemicals around me and how if I wanted I could end it all right now. All it'd take is a couple of swigs of any one of these many chemicals. 

The bell rings but I just sink to the floor lost in thought. It's not like I'll even make it past high school anyway, why should I even go to class? Why should I even put up with all of it for another second? Would anyone even mourn? Cas would probably be glad that he'd gotten rid of such a burden. And Sam was probably right, I do bad things and so dad returns the favor. If I wasn't around Sam would be better off, I should just off myself right now. Then the only choice I'd even have to make again is, blade or bleach?

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a terrible person but I promise to update soon.

I pull the tin of mints from my pocket and pull out the clean blade. I unwrap my left wrist and set it vertical across my wrist, knowing that with a little pressure no one will have to deal with me again. I go to press down but lose the nerve last second and flip it so that is horizontal across the pale flesh on the inside of my arm. I don't know why but I suddenly feel like I can't yet, like this is all building up to something. I press the blade lightly and bloods beads up on the shallow cut. 

The bell rings again, marking the end of another period. I ignore that if been sitting in this closet for almost an hour and watch the blood drip across the soft skin in the inside of my arm. I turn my arm and let the blood drip on the floor. I graze my fingertips over my cuts, new and old, scabs and scars. Blood smears over my fingers and arm. 

I rewrap my now bloody arm and slowly stand, pulling on my jacket. I walk to the Latin class Sammy made me take because he was tired of always having to say the exorcism. He thought maybe I'd get something out of it but I'm too much of an idiot to pick up any Latin.

I walk into class five minutes late and Mr. Baron glares. 

"Dean Winchester, I should've known. You fall asleep in class and fail all of my tests. Why should I expect you to be on time to class when you can't even follow simple instructions let alone learn a new language? You barely know the one you speak." Mr. Baron spits.

"Moriturus etat artis." I manage through my teeth as I clench my jaw. 

"To die is an art." I hear a whisper from the back of the room.

I run from the class room to the front doors. I push the doors and run down the sidewalk. I end up in the middle of the forest behind the school. Unlike earlier I now have worked up the nerve to finally end it all.

**"You know the only reason you didn't do it sooner because you're a coward. Whatever happens after death can't be worse than your life now. And if it is, you deserve it for killing Mary anyway."**

"I'm sorry for putting you through all my shit Cas, you're free of it all now." I whisper slicing into my wrist horizontally knowing I don't get the luxury of a quick death. Mary didn't get a quick death, why should I? 

I slice deep into either wrist and watch my blood desperately leaving my veins, repulsed to have been keeping me alive. 

My vision goes dark at the edges and my entire body is screaming with pain. Soon I feel a warm embrace that I hope is death. 

Cas' POV 

I go about my day and something feels off but I chalk it up to being worried about Dean. But then lunch comes and Dean is no where to be seen. I run out of the cafeteria and ask around.

Mr. Baron was the last to see him and when he tells me about their last interaction I nearly slap him but know that'll only take time away from my search.

I go around the entire schoolyard without finding him but then I venture into the woods. Dean is on the ground pale and covered in a dark crimson in striking contrast to his blueish skin. Luckily he still has a heartbeat and I manage to staunch the bleeding. I can only hope he'll make it long enough to get to the hospital.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas blames himself.

I hold Dean's limp body, he looks oddly at peace. His lips are blue and slightly parted, his face relaxed. His eyes are shut, long eyelashes fanned out on his alarmingly pale freckled cheeks.

I laugh bitterly knowing Dean would shrug off his undeniable beauty with some crude joke. Tears fall from my cheeks, I fell in love with Dean Winchester but he may never know. I can't help but to feel like it's my fault somehow, like I should've known. I start CPR hoping to get him to the hospital alive. 

After what seems like forever the ambulance arrives. My arms burn and feel like puddy but Dean is still alive. They load him onto the ambulance and begin asking questions. I call the school so that Sammy can come and answer some of their questions but I'm not immediate family and they don't let me ride to the hospital with them.

My parents excuse Sammy and I then drive us to the hospital. Sam asks if it's his fault at least ten times before tears leak from his eyes and he begins mumbling about if he'd stopped their dad Dean would be fine right now.

Everyone reassures him he handled it well but I barely hear their voices over the roaring in my ears. Dean could be dead because I didn't notice how off he was this morning. I look back and think about all the times it seemed like he was listening to something I couldn't hear, all the times the voices pushed him closer to the edge. In the little time I knew him he bared his soul to me and it was beautifully broken. I should have taken the time to piece him together, to repair his bright soul that's been shattered by the hell he's been through.

We walk into the hospital while my parents park and Sammy starts asking anyone who will listen where his brother is. Soon he asks a nurse who brings us to his room. He is unconscious but alive. 

I feel all I my internal walls collapse. I was comfortably numb until now, now every breath sends pain through my chest. The nurse talks about his condition but the words only swirl around me and push down whatever is left of those walls. 

_It's my fault._

these three words boom in my head and don't leave room for rational thought. I sit in the chair closest to me and shut my eyes. I snap them open though, because all I can see is Dean's pale skin and plush blue lips. So close to death but so beautiful as well.

I wish I would have told him how I felt, maybe he would have made it long enough to get better. Maybe I should have told him how much it would pain me if I lost him. But it's too late now, now all I can do is wait.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, in a couple of chapters there will most likely be a character death. I tried something new with this chapter and how I wrote it so let me know if you hate it. If you do I'll go back to how I've been writing up until now.

Dean's POV

My head throbs. That's odd, the last thing I remember is slitting my wrists so deep I would surely bleed out before anyone noticed. 

"Wow, you really  _can't_ do anything right. Couldn't even properly kill yourself. Cas sure will be disappointed, he won't say anything though. He's not an asshole like you are."

I sit up and groan. Cas runs into the room with Sammy trailing behind.

"Dean? You're up? How do you feel? We were so worried!" Cas shouts frantically.

"Dean, I'm sorry if I said anything. And that I didn't do anything to stop dad." Sammy whispers staring at his shoes.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I got what I deserved. At least now you'll have a chance to be something great, that passed me by a long time ago." 

"You're seeing a psychiatrist this afternoon, I really don't want to believe you actually think all that. Dean you're amazing, nothing has passed you by." Cas says. As he says this I realize how red his eyes are, the bags under his eyes dramatic in this crappy hospital lighting that washes out his beautiful blue eyes and overshadows his soft, pink, chapped lips.

Does he actually care?

**"Why would anyone ever care about you?"**

Why would he?

"Exactly, why would he?" 

The nurse walks in and asks Cas and Sammy to leave the room.

She asks me some simple questions like allergies and who my family is. I answer as vaguely as I can and as truthfully as I can muster. The nurse scribbles down anything useful she can get from me and then leaves nodding and telling me to sleep. She also tells me I'll be meeting with Dr. Reed a little after lunch and to be prepared to answer a couple questions. I'm in a complete daze though.

Soon it's lunch time and I make my way to the cafeteria. Cas eats with me so I actually make an effort to eat some stuff. Cas makes small talk like we are strangers trying to keep a long elevator ride from being awkward. He tiptoes around anything important as if I'll break and I want to scream but instead I answer his stupid questions and act like he wasn't gripping me tight pulling me out of the hell that is my own mind. I want to be able to say that in fine but now my mind moves at a million miles an hour and at the same time insanely slow I wish I could just wake up from this terrible nightmare that is my life but it's just me and my thoughts wrestling hoping that for a second everything could just, -stop. 

But that's not the case, I've been pulled up from my hellish lows but I feel myself slipping back down. I don't want to think so much, I want to just not think about anything so weighted. I want to be silly and lighthearted but instead I'm left questioning my own exsistance. The best thing I can do right now is pretend this is helping, though I don't know how it would, and let Cas have peace of mind knowing he's done more for me than my own father. Wherever he is. 

Someone taps on my shoulder. I jump, nearly knocking everything off the table and coming very close to hitting the nurse from earlier who tapped on my shoulder. I pant and my heart beats in my chest. 

"Sir? Are you okay?" 

"It's fine, you just scared me."

"Can I take you to Dr. Reed's office?"

"Yes, yes. Uhh....let's go....."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next I'll have the appointment. :) Hope you enjoyed it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean sees Dr. Reed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the ending......

The nurse walks me down the hall and I cringe at the squeak of her sneakers. The noise vibrates through my head and I try to focus on something else but I can't help but to fixate on the squeaking. The repetitive noise blocks out every other thought I could've had and I want to curl up in a ball because I can't think right anymore. My brain's in shambles and I just can't think the way I should be. 

The nurse grabs my shoulder as I walk past Dr. Reed's room accidentally.

"Here you are. I'll come get you in an hour but for now you'll be speaking with Dr. Reed." She says slowly. She probably thinks I have brain damage, maybe I do? She ushers me in and waves as she walks away. I can't help but to hate her, she lives a normal life, with a normal job. Things I'll never do or have. 

"Please take a seat Mr. Winchester." Dr. Reed, a woman about thirty five with red hair and soft features, says. 

"Sure, Dr.Reed."

"Please, call me Eileen." 

"Yes, okay. You can call me Dean."

"Okay, Dean, why are you here today?"

"Don't you have my file?"

"I do, but I'd like to hear it from you."

"I'm in the hospital because I slit my wrists and tried to end it all." 

"When you woke up did you regret this decision?" She says jotting down something on her yellow legal pad. I look around wishing anything would distract from the truth, the only thing I regret is having woken up. I really would like to leave though so I'm obviously not going to tell her this.

"Yes." I whisper.

"What made you regret attempting suicide?"

"I would've left Sammy alone."

"Who is Sammy?"

"My little brother."

"Do you feel like he is your responsibility?"

"Of course. He's my little brother, I've got to take care of him."

"Why can't you leave that to your father?"

"I don't have a father." I growl.

"But the records say-"

"I don't give a FUCK what the records say. I don't have a father. I did, but now I don't."

 "Dean, what did he do?"

"Nothing I didn't deserve. Shouldn't our time be up by now? Don't you have people worth your time coming in?"

"You need to talk to me, Dean."

"The hell I do! I'm fucking fine."

**** "Far from it! You are one sick fuck that the planet should be rid of."

I walk out trying not to cry, because dammit I am not going to roll over and bare my throat. No, I'm going to do what needs to be done.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean reacts to therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would've made it longer but I liked the way I ended this.

I rush to my room as fast as I can without alarming anyone. I go to the only place I've found nearby that happens to lock. I lock the bathroom door and scour the cupboards for anything, anything that I could just end it with. I'd even settle for being able to cut. 

Nothing, they've kept anything potentially lethal away from me. Figures, this is exactly what they don't want happening. I curl in the floor wishing for anything to give me a break from my thoughts. Suddenly my lunch feels _so_  heavy in my stomach. I need to get right of it, to feel the acid sting my throat. It's no longer a choice, I need it like the air I breathe. I shove my fingers down my throat and gag. I feel the rush approaching with every time my stomach heaves until finally I'm puking. My eyes water and sting, my throat is raw and coated in acid but my thoughts have slowed. I'm far from happy but it isn't the misery that's followed me for so long and I'll accept it. 

It works so much better than cutting. There's so much less to hide and slowly it will kill me. I'll be slowly dying when I leave this place and maybe I could do something about my still thumping heart as soon as they release me. That's too far to plan though, thinking further than a day ahead makes my head spin. I don't want to have to think about facing myself everyday.

I undress and turn on the shower. I make the water temperature as hot as I can handle, maybe even hotter. I scrub my skin as memories long forgotten resurface. I feel dirty, disgusting in the way you can't wash off. But maybe if I just scrub a little longer it'll do something, anything.

The water is scalding and my warm tears feel cool in comparison. 

I finish quickly then get dressed and return to my bed. There's not end in sight but, who knows maybe I'll just make it long enough to see what normal's like?


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean is done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to warn you all, there is rape in this chapter. It gets pretty dark but it will get better, I promise.

I lay under the covers thinking about the first time I met Cas. His eyes surveyed the room like he was going to need to recall every detail. I try to memorize every piece of the off white ceiling above me. Suddenly I need to leave. That last time a nurse checked on me was fifteen minutes ago and they come about every hour. She was telling me what Dr. Reed had "concluded about my mental state". She said I have depression, generalized anxiety, and schizophrenia. There could be more but I tuned everything out after schizophrenia. I pack my stuff and change into jeans. I need to leave, I can't keep burdening Cas.

I open the window quietly and slip out. I have no idea where to go now. I climb into baby and start her engine. For a moment I just sit, dumbfounded. I hate hospitals but I never thought it'd come to this. I start driving without direction, I end up at my old house. 

I walk in and call up to see if maybe Dad has finally stumbled home. 

"Dean?" A voice raw from alcohol shouts. 

"Yeah it's me, Dad." I yell back. 

"C'mere, haven't seen you in forever. Lil' shite." Dad shouts. For once he sounds genuinely concerned and I have to restrain myself so that I don't sprint up the stairs so I can hug my dad, not like that'd ever happen. I walk up at a moderate pace and set my bag on the floor. He stands in his bedroom doorway and I give him a big hug, he actually hugs back and I smile holding back tears of joy. Maybe he's finally accepted me as I am? Dad leans his head over my shoulder and turns his head.

"You think I actually cared you were missing?Did'ga boy? No, I'm only here to punish you." His hands, lightly draped across my chest migrate to gentle strokes on my collar bones. "Ain't goood for nothing but a quick fuck." 

He grabs my throat and pushes me against the wall, hard. 

"D-dad?" I choke out. I don't have a father. I have an awful man named John who is unbuttoning my pants as he whispers in my ear about how "a fag like you will like it anyway." I thought the beatings were awful, they're nothing compared to having your own relative fucking you ruthlessly with no lube or prep.

I cry out in pain and he only laughs. I struggle and yelp as tears run down my face. 

**"He's your father, don't act like he isn't. You guys are a perfect match, at least he keeps you in check. Without the beatings you'd be running around doing whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want. You deserve it, you need it. You didn't even know what to do with your life when your ass wasn't being turned red every other night."**

John grabs a hold of me and begins stroking quickly. 

"Lucky you're gettin' off tonight, fag." He spits in my face. 

I throw my head back and cum hoping he'll grow bored of me now. He does luckily. John throws me to the ground covered in cum, blood trickling down my thighs. I choke a sob and curl up in a ball, my vision going black at the edges. Now I know I can't leave, I can't let any of this happen to Sammy. Sammy's too good for this, any of this. That includes me.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes to find Dean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty dark, I'll update soon I promise.

Cas' POV

Dean acted rather oddly after his appointment so the nurses were sure to monitor him carefully, checking on him once every hour. It has only been a half an hour but I'm desperate to see him, even if he's sleeping. I sneak into his room quietly hoping if he's sleeping that I don't wake him. The room is colder than it should be and Dean is no where to be seen. 

I scour the room for any clue as to where he's gone. All I know is that there's and open window. My breaths are shallow and quick as I think of all the places he could be, all the things he could have done, he could be doing. For all I know he could be dead. I run out and frantically tell the nurses.

They search the hospital but Dean is gone. 

"We've got to find him!" I shout to my parents. 

"Cas, we've got to be prepared for the possibility that he's gone back to his father. If that's true then we can't do very much because we don't have any legal rights in Dean's life." My mom says slowly as if it is way over my head.

"But his father- I've seen the cuts." I gasp panicked. 

"We'd have to prove it, then somehow get some sort of legal standing in Dean's situation. It'd be really hard, especially on Dean."

"So is having the shit beat out of you and told it's your fault!"

 "Cas, please. Calm down, getting worked up won't help Dean."

"How, the fuck am I supposed to calm down when  _Dean_ is probably cold and alone or worse, with John." I growl in a terrifyingly low tone. I sound so angry when really I'm on the verge of tears. I have to remind myself Dean wasn't really thinking straight. 

I pull on my coat and storm out of the hospital determined to find Dean. I pull out the keys to the impala and start Dean's car. I'm going to find him if I have to personally strangle John Winchester. And if I found out he's laid a finger on Dean, I swear to God. 

I drive around for a while and ask some people if they'd seen Dean. No one had. I've driven around the entire town and nothing. I'm going to have to go the one place I've dreaded he'd be. John's house. 

I pull into the unpaved driveway that leads to a small, weathered house. I walk up and the house is silent. I knock but no one answers so I creak open the door. 

The whole place smells like, cigarettes, sex, and booze. John is passed out on the couch. He smells like whiskey and will probably be passed out for a while. I jog up the stairs, now sure Dean is here. 

 I turn the corner and Dean is slouched against the wall, his belt is unbuckled and pants unzipped. I shake him awake and he skitters away covering his head as if I were going to hit him.

"Dean." I whisper extending a hand.

"No. No, don't." he mutters tears flowing from his eyes. "Not again. Enough, sir." 

I pick him up and he protests weakly. He needs serious medical attention. I carry him down the stairs where I find John with a gun.

"Drop the boy an' walk away or you'll die an' Dean'll get worse." 

I furrow my eyebrows and slowly set a whimpering dean on the dirty carpet. I walk away and hear John faintly.

"Ner'mind what I said 'bout you only being good for a quick fuck. Can't even handle that, all you're good for is an ash tray."

I hear Dean howl, I need to get him out of there.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean suffers more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is about as dark as it'll get.

Dean's POV

Pain. 

The ash stings my flesh. 

Happy Birthday to me. One hell of a celebration, he's the most  _present_ he's been in years.

Everything hurts.

_"Blow out the candles, Dean."_

_"Go ahead son, make a wish."_

_"I wish we can be a happy family forever."_

_" 'Course Dean."_

_"We'll be a big happy family, and soon you'll have a brother."_

I laugh so hard it hurts.

It all hurts so bad.

I throw up. The scent of it burns the inside of my nose.

I'm hungry. The sick is probably bile.

(a*a) + (b*b) = (c*c)

I'm missing math right now, probably failing. And Latin too.

Nulla tenaci invia est via. For the tenacious, no road is impassable.  


Sammy's tenacious, he'll be fine. I'll be dead, but he'll be fine.

And Cas, he'll be great. He's hot, smart, and great to be around. Too bad I couldn't be that, him and Sammy thought I was that maybe they'll  wisen up, realize I'm no good. Maybe they'll be friends.

Cas' POV

Dean is in trouble. I have to do anything I can to get him out of it. I call 911 and the operator picks up,

"911, what's your emergency?"

"My friend is trapped in his home with his abusive father. I tried to get him but his father was drunk and pulled a gun on me," I respond, trying not to cry. The operator has to be able to understand.

"What's the address?"

"362 east park street."

"We'll send a few officers to check things out but not much can be done without a warrant,"

"Thank you so much," I choke as I press the "end call" button.

My dad walks in.

"Dad?"

"Cas, what'd you do?"

"The right thing."

"It would've worked out fine if you had given me time. I had a plan to do things rationally in a way that no one gets hurt."

"You always have a plan! I'm tired of waiting for a plan that I don't even know the details to. Everyone tells me, 'Dad has a plan' or 'Chuck has a plan' but I'm beginning to think there isn't one. Its just a lot more comforting to pretend everything happens for a reason!"

"Go to your room."

"No. I'm going to see if my friend is still alive. Or was his dying part of your plan?" I yell storming out the door without a coat.

Lucifer chases out after me.

"What happened?" he says with a smirk.

"Dad's being a dick. What else is new? Oh, yeah. My friend could be dead for all I know!"

"Let me at least give you a ride. It's cold out."

"Okay thanks, Luci."

"Don't push your luck," He grins as he jogs off to grab his car.

I shiver, I'm glad Lucifer showed up. It's freezing out. Lucifer pulls out of the driveway and stops for me to get in.

"So, tell me what happened. From the beginning,"

I tell him what few details I'm willing to tell him.

"Lame. You can absolutely tell how much you've cut out."

"Some of the details I'm not too sure Dean would want you to know. Maybe you can ask him someday."

"Whatever, we're here now anyway." Lucifer groans. "I'll leave you and your boyfriend alone."

"Assbutt," I mumble.

"Abomination!" Luci shouts back.

I walk to the house and there is a crowd. John has shot one of the police officers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you didn't like the beginning, I wanted to portray a broken, unfocused, childlike psyche. I couldn't see Dean thinking clearly. Hope you enjoyed, I'll write more soon.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gets off easier than expected, but so does John.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in so long, I intended to much sooner.Enjoy. :)

Cas' POV 

There's no way Dean can stay with John. He just shot a police officer, Dean will be fine. John will sober up and turn himself in, we all will be fine. 

John fires another shot. 

He grabs something not visible from my view of the window. He pulls Dean up in my line of vision by the scruff. He struggles a little but goes limp when John snarls something to him. You can see Dean's face fall and he stands up on his own. He has the straight posture he used to, and he winces as he grabs a hold of a nearby wall. 

John pushes the barrel of the gun into the side of Dean's head. 

"I fucking dare you. Shoot. I'll kill the kid." John snaps.

"Sir, please. Be reasonable." A police officer shouts. John lowers the gun. 

"Fine, but only if I get a maximum sentence of ten years." John smirks.

The police officers whisper and come to a consensus.

"Okay, we can do that." 

John pushes Dean and gives him a hard kick. 

"You deserve so much more, you bastard!" I hear someone shout. I only realize it's me when I feel the pain in my throat from the cold air. 

\-------

I sit in the police station waiting for an update on Dean. 

An officer walks in.

"Your friend has been taken to the hospital."

"Thank you. Thank you so much." I say, repeating it like a prayer. I clutch his sleeve trying not to cry.

"I'm sure Dean will be fine. Is he your boyfriend?" The officer asks hesitantly.

"No," I whimper, so much for not crying. "I love him though." The officer crouches down and grabs my hand.

"I'm officer Bennett. What's your name, son?"

"Castiel."

"Well, Castiel, let me take you to Dean. Last I heard he's doing remarkably well for someone in his situation."

"Thanks. You can call me Cas though."

"Okay let's go see Dean then, Cas."

\--------

We arrive at the hospital and officer Bennett takes me to Dean's room. We walk in and Dean  is as thin and pale as a piece of copy paper.

"Dean." I choke out. It's not a question, it's an answer.

"Cas...?" Dean croaks lifting his head.

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I missed 'ou." Dean slurs slipping in and out of consciousness.

"If I had lost you, it would've killed me. Because, Dean, I love you." Tears stream down my face as I confess but Dean is passed out. I don't know how much he heard but I don't know how much I wanted him to hear.

I stand up and wipe my tears. I walk out and officer Bennett is leaning in the doorway.

"Maybe next time you tell him he'll be awake." He whispers, patting my shoulder as he steps out of my way.

"Maybe." I nod as I walk past.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean improves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I meant to do this last week and it's a fairly short chapter but it finally got better. Next chapter is pure fluff. I didn't include fanart this time but I want to in the next chapter.

Dean's POV

"Dean?" A gravely voice whispers. My heart warms, I don't know why but suddenly it'll be all right.

"Casssss-?" I mumble. _Real smooth._ I can't even speak correctly and yet I'm still hoping Cas can find a way to love me.

"Dean." Cas says. His voice is warm and sweet, I can hear him smile. I'm floating, it's not the pain meds though. No, Cas does this to me. Damn it, I'm going soft. All for this angel with his dark tousled hair and eyes bluer than denim. So what if he's gorgeous? That's not what makes me ready to scrap Baby and take a bullet just to make him happy. There's something that makes him addictive, every second I'm away from him my skin itches wanting nothing but to be by his side. I must be mental. I can lose time looking into the blue of his eyes, that's not normal. It completely escapes me how anyone can  just look and him and not allow their eyes to linger, to sacrifice their everything for his happiness.

"Cas? Why doesn't everyone see you how I do? Why doesn't everyone want your happiness above all else?  Why do I want that?"

"I want the same for you, Dean. I love you. So much."

"Yes. That's it, I love you. You and your beautiful face." I mutter stupidly as my consciousness fades.

Cas' POV

I don't know if it counts, he was pretty drugged. It counts. It has to, if it doesn't I won't have the courage to tell him again so it has to count.

 

\--One Month Later--

Dean's been getting better, he's been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd and schizophrenia. He's on some medication now and going to therapy so he's been much happier. Now when he smiles you can see it in his eyes, when he laughs his whole body is a part of it. _It's beautiful._ His eyes aren't dulled by sadness and now they shine with curiosity. He still struggles though, he's not cured by any means. He jumps at any little noise and still hears whispers at night but he's still so much better. It's mostly not having to worry about his dad, he still does but it's lessened by the knowledge that he's locked away. Dean has a long recovery ahead but it hurts a little less, he's a little better. That's good enough for now.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes Lisa down a peg.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter but longer chapters are coming. The last part is almost like a journal entry but I don't know. Enjoy this little break from all that angst.

Dean's POV

I walked straight up to him. I don't care anymore, I need to do this. I don't care if it has to be in this shithole we go to school at. I'm doing it. I look Cas in the eyes, he might be frightened but it's for the best. I roll up the sleeves of my grey tee shirt and expose my forearms, I wish it was more private but the empty locker cove is good enough. Cas' eyes widen as they follow the scars up and down my arms. He's never seem the words, the rest is not new though.

"Why are you showing me this?" Cas croaks.

"I wanted you to know, they're all scars. Not a single new cut. I'm trying, and I'll keep trying."  _For you._ I smile. He doesn't hear the part in my head, maybe he knows though. Cas looks at me stunned, then he does something I don't expect. Cas grabs my face and kisses me, _hard._ I kiss back but Cas pulls away.

"Told you it was too good to be true."

"Sorry." Cas mumbles looking at his shoes. I tilt his chin up and look into his blue eyes one last time before I kiss him gently. I pull away and look into his eyes. 

"No need." I smirk. Cas blushes and smiles. He mumbles something under his breath. "What was that?" I inquire still grinning like an idiot.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I whisper in his ear when I pull him in for a hug. Cas leans against me and awkwardly hugs back.

\--------

Two weeks later

Homecoming is right around the corner and I walked up to Lisa this morning. I told her I was going with Cas and she had nothing on me anymore. She called me a faggot and I flipped off and kissed Cas so the bitch had a good view. Cas was a little surprised to say the least, he did agree to go with me though. Sammy and I are living with the Novaks and he's almost as tall as I am now. Sammy is doing great in school and I've brought all of my grades up as well. I still have a lot to make up but I'll pass. Things are looking up. (That was so cheesy, forgive me.)

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa makes a return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long, I really have no excuse but I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm not great at writing smut so please bare with me. Anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanza. Happy Holidays, and I hope you like this chapter.

"C'mon Cas!" Dean shouts grabbing hold of Cas' hand excitedly.

"I'm trying to put my shoes on, Dean." Cas chuckles. Dean huffs and collapses into the closest chair. "We won't miss it, I promise."

"I know, I just want it to happen." Dean mumbles playing with the cuffs on his shirt.

"There. Let's go." Cas says standing up and smoothing out the wrinkles in his jacket. They rush out to the impala and promise Mr. and Mrs. Novak they'll be careful. Dean pulls out of the driveway and they start their short journey to the school.

Dean holds the door for Cas and they exit the car. They walk towards the school hand in hand but find their path blocked by Lisa.

"Move, bitch." Dean growls.

"You may not care if the school knows you're a fag, but no one messes with me." Lisa purrs walking closer to Cas. She lays her hands on his chest and watches Dean fight the urge to snap her neck. "Poor Castiel, he didn't do anything. Too bad he can't go to Homecoming."

"What?!" Dean shouts.

"Well, not with you. See, the principal didn't really like the idea of two faggots dancing in front of the whole school." Lisa grins. "However, Cas can enjoy his Homecoming. He can go if he does it proper, with a woman."

"You bitch."

"Sadly, every girl here has had a date for months. Except for me."

"No." Cas interjects. He grabs Dean's hand and marches him to the impala. "We wouldn't want to _ruin_ your Homecoming so we'll just leave."

"Hmm. What a waste of such a fine piece of ass. Well have fun you faries." Lisa sneers stomping back to the school.

"Let's go someplace." Cas suggests. Dean stares off into the distance and itches his scars. "Dean?" He doesn't answer. Cas stares not knowing what to do. The car sits still, the silence thick in the air. Cas holds his breath afraid to disturb what trance has come over Dean.

"A few months ago, I would have carved those words into my flesh and watched myself bleed convinced I deserved it. Now I know, Lisa's just a bitch. She's no better than I am and she certainly not right." Dean whispers looking out the windshield. He turns to Cas and his eyes soften. "Now, where should we spend this evening?" Cas smirks.

"I have a perfect idea."

\--------

Cas pushes Dean onto the bed and removes his shirt.

"The hotel was a good idea." Dean chuckles.

"Shut up and get undressed." Cas says with a kind smile, not a hint of malice in his tone. Dean growls and tears off his jacket and quickly unbuttons his shirt. "Stop there. I want to do the rest for myself." Cas whispers in reverence as his eyes hungrily take in Dean's muscled torso. Dean whimpers but complies. Cas begins to unbuckle Dean's belt and brushes against his growing erection, Cas leans forward until his mouth is level with Dean's ear. "I know how much you were looking forward to that, I want to make it up to you. All of it, for you."  Cas slides his belt from the loops of Dean's pants and unbuttons them. Cas looks into Dean's eyes and admires the solid green outlined in a dark emerald. His irises shine with lust but also love and admiration. Cas licks his lips hungrily as he stares into that canopy of green framed by dark eyelashes. Dean's eyes are a sight but along with his face as a whole and his body that looked like it had been carved from stone in a god's image, he was gorgeous, a true rarity, art. 

Cas couldn't help but to stare at his, plump, parted lips, or tousled hair. However, Dean was too busy to notice his own appearance while he stared at Castiel who was living up to his angelic name. His shoulders are hunched towards Dean as if he were preparing to protect him with nothing but his own bare back. His eyes are an intense, sapphire blue that stared right into Dean's soul. Dean could stare for hours if Cas didn't crash his lips into his. Cas kisses him slowly but passionately. Dean lifts his hips to help Cas undress him. Cas slides Dean's pants down his legs carefully. Cas hesitates for a moment before cautiously  pulling the pants over Dean's ankles. Dean squims a bit while cas throws the garment on the carpeted floor.

"You want to keep going?" Cas asks tenderly. Dean nods, his eyes shut tightly. "Dean, can you please use you words?"

"Yes. Oh g-god-yes." Dean mutters as he tries to suppress a moan.

"Dean, I want to hear the noises you make." Cas whispers, noticing the strain in Dean's voice. Dean moans obscenely in answer. Cas palms Dean through his boxers. Dean bucks and moans under his touch.

"God Cas." Dean half moans, trying to speak clearly but failing. Cas leans in close and begins whispering into Dean's ear.

"Fuck. I love it when you say my name like that. I want to hear you scream my name when you cum. I'm going to fuck you into the mattress, because that's what you want right? You whore."

Dean moans, barely keeping his orgasm at bay. When Cas pulls his cock out of his underwear, Dean loses control and cums between their stomachs. Dean blushes and hides his face with his hands. Cas gently pulls them away to reveal his face is much redder than Dean's.

"Sorry, about all those things I said. I-uh-should've restrained myself. I know that could've been triggering." Cas says, stumbling over his words.

"No, Cas that was really hot. You probably should've mentioned it, but no harm done."

"Erm-okay. Let's get cleaned up."

"Maybe with a shower? After all, you are still hard." Dean says smirking. 

"That sounds good." Cas says, blushing again.

\--------

-December-

Dean tugs on Cas' arm.

"What?" Cas yawns.

"It's fucking Christmas Cas."

"Oh yeah. That."

"You aren't even a morning person on Christmas!" Dean giggles.

"Nope. But since you love Christmas so much, after my coffee I'll try to be."

Dean shoved the coffee into Cas' hands with a grin.

"I knew you'd want coffee. No come on!" Dean shouts as he sprints down the stairs.

"Be careful Dean!"

Cas sits and Dean grabs a box. He handles it very gently and sits next to Cas.

"I really hope you like this, if you don't we can take it back but I really hope you'll let us keep it. You deserve a lot more than this after everthing you've done for me but I think you'll like this." Dean rambles as he hands Cas the box in it's blue wraping paper and red ribbon. Cas gently pulls the top off.

"Dean."

"Do you like it?"

"You're amazing. I love you." Cas says kissing Dean on the lips. Dean smiles and looks at the litle gray kitten that reminded him so much of Cas.

Cas hands Dean a large box cautiously. Dean unwraps it and opens the box. Inside is a guitar case.

"I noticed you might want a guitar because you showed an interest everytime we passed a music store."

Dean smiles sadly.

"My mom taught me. Thanks Cas, I love it." Dean whispers as he pulls Cas in for a hug.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Update

I just reread this fic and I think the transitions could definitely be improved and Dean's actual recovery could be explored more. So I'm going to rewrite it, the chapters will be the same but just better researched and hopefully smoother. I'm really excited to see how I can improve this story and hope others might be excited to join me in this. Anyway thats all, sorry for rambling. :)


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